What might an IFS session look and feel like?

I have an impulsive nature. When I get curious about something (like IFS!) I dive straight in by doing it. Then when I get hooked I want to read all about it and learn all about it. But some people have might want to know more before you dive in. In the Frequently Asked question page I've given some links to videos and books about IFS as an easy route in. But here I try to describe how sessions can go. I hope this helps. Remember though that no two people's IFS sessions are the same. We shape it around what works for your brain, body and parts. And your own sessions will vary week to week depending on whag is going on in yoyur life and how your parts feel about it.

Where do we start in a first session?

The first session will include checking in with your reasons for wanting to try IFS and how you feel about it. Is there an issue that is troubling you? Something you want to explore? We also discover if any parts of you are not so keen on you doing that exploring.

We may also do a little bit of information gathering, if there is anything you thing I need to know in order to best support you in this work.

While we are doing this your parts will be listening in, deciding if they feel safe. Do they trust me? Do they trust you? Do they trust the two of us working together? Do they believe that we will go carefully and respectfully? In IFS there is a saying “go slow to go fast”. By that we mean that if we take time to make sure that we don’t push past any part of you that is wary. Instead we take time to get to know your inner world. Then the deep inner healing and transformation goes more smoothly.

What about later sessions?

That depends very much on you and what is going on in your life. If there is one issue that you are focused on we may spend a few sessions looking at that. Or maybe there is something specific you want to explore that day. If so we use that as the starting point.

Other times you might not know what you want to explore that day.  That’s ok too.

Then we pause and give your system time to settle. Sometimes when we stop racing around and give ourselves space something pops up that wants your attention.

Once we have a “something” to explore we get to know more about that, how it feels, any stories or messages that come up about it. That helps us get to know the part or parts of you that are active around that subject. When the time is right we stop to check how you feel towards that part. You might notice that you are fed up of that part, or want to dismiss it. If so that’s another part jumping in. Great! Now we know about two parts of you with something to say on this topic. We are “mapping your parts”. Getting to know parts like this can be so helpful.

In time (and this might take a few sessions) we get to the point where you feel curious or compassionate about the part. Great again. We have got down below the parts to what IFS calls Self. This has a grounded, wise, calm spacious quality. When we get to know our parts from Self everything starts to change. Think of it about like meeting someone for the first time. If they meet you with curiosity and compassion you are much more likely to trust them and talk openly.  If they greet you with suspicion or irritation you aren’t going to be so keen. So it is with our parts.

The first parts we meet are likely to be our Manager parts. These are parts that try to manage and control life to try to keep us safe and out of pain. Their tactics they use might not always work so well. Sometimes they use a tactic that they picked up many years ago but it doesn’t work in our life now. Sometimes we meet Firefighter parts that step in if they think a situation is getting out of hand. They might try to numb us out, lash out with anger or withdraw.  Both managers and firefighters often turn out to be young parts of you who would really love to stop doing rheir job, if they trusted that it was safe. We allow time to them learn to trust your Self.

In time we might discover an “Exile” part of you that the Manaher or Firefighter has been trying so hard to protect. This part might be stuck in the past. IFS sessions can include updating and unburdening these parts, giving them what they needed back in the day and if they want brining them in to the present. Sometimes they may be holding beliefs that didn’t even start with them – a cultural expectation or a family pattern. There are also beautiful ways in IFS to work with these. 

For me examples help me understand better. Here are two examples. These are not based on actual people.

Example 1 - Zara and her sleepless nights

Zara knew that what was top of her mind this week was news of redundancies at work. She had lain awake worrying about it the last couple of nights, her head full of thinking and planning. She knew that this wasn’t really helping but she couldn’t stop it.

What she might discover could include

• A panicked part that is thinking the worst – that she will lose her job, not be able to pay her bills and lose her home.

• A hard working perfectionist who has always thought that if she worked really hard and made no mistakes her job would be safe.

• A part that feels expectations to do well as the first member in her family to go to university and get a ‘good’ professional job.

• A part that doesn’t really like the job anyway and dreams of giving it up to become a writer.

• A part that doesn’t want to think about it. It would rather she scrolled social media while having a third glass of wine. Only then she feels even worse the next day.

While all of these are buzzing around in her head its really hard to work out her next steps – or get any sleep. Once she gets to know these parts how she has been feeling makes a bit more sense. She might see that some of the fear of the panicked part comes from hearing her parents worry about money and bills when she was little. She picked up their fear and beliefs. As her parts get to know and trust her Self they begin to relax a little and she is able to get some perspective on the situation. It starts to feel lighter.

Example 2 - Tom's hatred of public speaking

Tom started sessions because he was scared witless of having to do presentations at work. Since he got promoted at work he was being expected to do these. Even the thought of it makes him feel nauseous. He has been on the verge of packing his job in a few times.

In sessions he finds:

• A part that is calling him stupid for taking the promotion in the first place

• A part that gets really annoyed because he “should” be able to do presentations by now

• A part that reminds him of all the mistakes he has ever made and imagines all the ones he could make – with all his team watching on.

  
  

He discovers under it all a young exile that is stuck in a memory of his school days. He is dyslexic and took a long time to learn to read. One day when having to read aloud in school he stumbled over a word that other children though was easy. Other children sniggered and called him “stupid”.

Allowing the younger version of himself to share how he felt in that moment (shame and humiliation) and to now get comfort and understanding instead of judgement can help heal that wound. Lifting the shame and embarrassment this young exile felt changes how adult Tom feels in his current life. And makes those work presentations feel less life and death.

There is much more to IFS than those examples but I hope they give you quick taste of what it can be like. How it can feel to get a clearer view of our inner world. I hope you give it a try.